At this time of year journalists and their kin around the world like to ‘phone it in with some hokumy column loosely related to the festive season and why should we deviate from the trend? If writing about Die Hard is good enough for the Financial Times, the consider it open [festive] season.
So, in the spirit of ‘why not/my mulled wine is cooling down’, this December we’ll be wishing you all a happy few days off with a look at ‘if the 12 days of Christmas were hotel brands, which hotel brands would they be’ and count your lucky north stars it’s not reindeer, because that was the first iteration.
The good news for fans of endless growth – step aside now, Sir Keir – is that all the big hotel brand stables now have sufficient flags to populate the entire song (Accor four times over) but we’re not here to play favourites. Not without a tin of Doubletree cookies for Santa at any rate.
So let’s get feasting:
On the twelve days of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Twelve drummers drumming
Twelve drummers? Easy. If you’ve ever stayed in the Premier Inn Gatwick, you’ll know that the 12 drummers is the noise of the other residents thundering up and down the corridor all night while you wonder why you didn’t just pay for an Uber instead. This isn’t going to be one of those snarky columns though, it’s the time for peace and all that (it’s true though, it was like the elephant scene in Fantasia) so we’re going to give this one to Six Senses, which offers sound-related therapies across its properties, including “the soothing and hypnotic beats of Fijian and oceanic drums”.
Eleven pipers piping
Six Senses could also take sound bathing via 11 pipers, but let’s not be greedy. It’s hard to shake off the snark and not say that Sonder certainly paid the piper this year and, after all, what is the festive season if it’s not about indulgence? Becoming better people is a journey. It’s only day two.
Ten lords a-leaping
This must, of course, go to Tribute, Marriott’s “family of independent boutique hotels bound by their indie spirit and heart for connecting people and places”. If you’re familiar with the two chambers system of government in the UK, you’ll know that the House of Lords features both people who have inherited their right to be there and people who have been gifted it for good deeds or good *cough* support for the likes of former PM Boris Johnson. A tribute, if you will. A cohesive bunch? No. Do you understand what they stand for? No. But they all get one vote each, which is nice, solid distribution. See what we did there? It only gets more tenuous from here on in.
Nine ladies dancing
The cornucopia of brands out there means that there is something for everyone out there and, indeed, something for every mood every person can conceive of. Been watching too much Strictly? Have a thing for wearing ostrich features and tilting your head back over your shoulders? The good people at Warner Hotels offer dedicated ballroom breaks (ballroom, not bathroom) and we applaud their identification of a niche in their core audience. They know whom they serve.
Eight maids a-milking
The short version of how mankind came to embrace, or at least be offered, vaccines is all about milk maids being protected from smallpox by contracting cowpox (which is now, the internet says, carried by cats. Huh.) and so this night of Christmas must go to Holiday Inn. The brand that showed everyone how it can be done, at scale, and has successfully inured us to the vast wave of brands that has followed.
Seven swans a-swimming
This is just the kind of nonsense you’ll find in your bath when you check into your Airbnb just as the host vanishes for 48 hours when you try and deal with it. Or, if you make it through your stay unscathed, the kind of thing you’ll be accused of stealing when you leave*.
Six geese a-laying
This holy night must go to the sector as a whole in the UK (sorry ROTW) which is in a state of permanent shakedown by a skint government.
Five golden rings
And who else could it be than IHG’s Even Hotels? Each bedroom features an ‘in-room training zone’ complete with fitness gear such as a foam roller, yoga mat, yoga block, core exercise ball, and resistance bands. Training for the Olympics? Let Even keep you in shape on the road. Everyone else? Enjoy light feelings of guilt as you wake.
Four calling birds
There’s a hotel in Berlin where a former colleague found themselves in an unfortunate situation with a call girl. In fact it wasn’t just the one hotel. Although it was the one brand. So, for a festive prize, drop us a line if you know which flag it is. It’ll also help us to get to know you a bit better.
Three French hens
It would be super obvious to see ‘French’ and think ‘Accor’ so we’re going to go with it (now is not the season for overt thinking) and celebrate Sofitel. They don’t hold back on the French in the brand book so why should we? Could you eat three French hens at once at one of its hotels? Probably, but remember, ‘gastronome’ does not mean ‘glutton’, so expect pursed lips if you do.
Two turtle doves
Turtle doves mate for life, it says here, but let’s not be racist and ask how they know when they all look the same? It’s about values, not looks. One group of people who are permanently joined at the hip to their brand, the Amanjunkies, certainly fulfil this requirement and are likely to stick with it, even if they renovated the Kehlsteinhaus. Congratulations, Aman Resorts.
And a partridge in a pear tree
And finally, the line which sounds like a really great recipe (Waitrose do it as a paté, in case you’re too exhausted to eat solid food this season). So what could it be other than our annual request to merge Accor and Marriott and create the ultimate in year-round brand deliciousness?
Here at NewDog PR we’d like to wish you all a relaxing break and a wonderful 2026, so we’re going to. Many thanks to all of you for making this sector we call home.
*koi carp, 2021
